2020!

It’s like I am only writing once a year now! First off, Happy New Year, I hope the entire Holiday Season was good for you. It definitely was for me. 2019 was really good to me. I still have anxiety, she’s still my frenemy, but, I’ve been able to overcome some fears and not others. I stopped driving completely in February, so almost a year of not driving my car by myself. I have driven while others are in the car, but driving myself somewhere has not been in this year’s accomplishments. I started EMDR therapy a few months ago and I’m not sure if it’s the Therapist or if it’s me that just isn’t getting it. I made it a goal to find a new therapist this year. I loved my first Therapist, but I felt like she kind of gave in to just talking. I have enjoyed trying new therapists and feel about about moving on from each without really telling them why or what, even. I think that’s ok but maybe I should try that.

If you’re wondering what EMDR therapy is, it is Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. A good book to read more about it is “Getting Past Your Past” by Francine Shapiro PhD. I went to see a Psychiatrist for the first time in August/September and she was the one that recommended this book and EMDR. I really wish she was also a Psychologist because I would like to talk to her more about things because she seems very knowledgeable. However, she only is the one to go to for info on medications and diagnosis. She prescribed Lexapro and I have been sitting on it for quite a while. I have it ready to take at home, but I’m always so scared of starting something new, especially with medication. I’ve joined Facebook support groups, looked at the hashtag on instagram, messaged with people who really felt they got a lot out of taking it, and I’m still so scared. It’s one of my anxieties. I’ve been in a comfort space that I don’t want to take myself out of it and go on another downward spiral. I understand this is a lifelong battle, but I forget, that this is a lifelong battle and I cannot live the rest of my life like this. When I really think about it, I get a little sad, and it has been a while since I’ve been sad about this. Another book she recommended is “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook” by McKay Wood Brantley. It is a guide for “Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance”. I purchased it but have not reviewed it. I hope these 2 titles can give you something to search for and look at today. I am making it a goal to work on the Workbook each day now that we are looking at a New Year.

Anyway, EMDR therapy didn’t seem to work for me, or maybe I just don’t understand it or want it to work, or put all my thought into it while we were going through the process. The therapist did tapping on my knees since I couldn’t focus on my thoughts while following his hand from right to left to right. It is based on the idea that thoughts can be reprocessed during the REM stage of sleep. During REM stage in sleep, our eyes move side to side, so we are basically forcing this stage, while awake, and hoping that new feelings come with the thoughts that used to give us anxiety. To me, it is like a deep intense, imaginative exposure therapy. Which imagining myself in a situation does not make me anxious. What makes me anxious is actually being in the situation.

Well for this year, my resolutions is to find a therapist I want to stick with. This is hard as I have a hard time attaching myself to someone. I want to focus on Yoga and breathing exercises as well as group meditation classes. I want to go to the gym more often and listen to more music. I also want to start learning and playing the piano. I want to get better at posting photos somewhere or challenge myself to a photo a day project. I’ll most likely post on Instagram. My handles are @radnadphotography and @anxietyismyfrenemy. I want to blog more, because this really helped me set up what I have been doing and what I want to do. Finally, I want to be a better friend, daughter, and partner.

This blog started very artistically and with photos, but I didn’t want anyone to know who I am. I’ve read past posts and I get really deep into my feelings. I’m hoping to not worry so much about who sees this and more about who benefits from this.

CHeers to a New Year, from radnad and Anxiety!

3 years

3 years, it’s been 3 years. I started off strong-willed and ready to fight this, and lately I’ve been unmotivated, depressed, comfortable, happy, yet unhappy that I’m not like everyone else. I seriously shut down for the last year or however long it’s been since I’ve last written because I felt weak. I feel weak and afraid of knowing who would find this page and read it and judge me. The stigma is still so real. International Women’s Day was a hard day for me. All over social media I saw share’s of women, the people I followed, admired. Indicating they’re strong, and followed their dreams, etc, and I felt left out and angry. International Women’s Day isn’t just about the strong and successful, but also about the weak, keeping their head above water. It’s about the Single Mother who wants to give up but doesn’t, but the moments she wants to give up are the most important, she’s not at the level of success that everyone sees just yet. She’s at the point where her family pushes her out for her leaning on them a bit too strong. She’s at the point where she has no friends, no family and she hasn’t reached the stage where someone feels proud of her. Yet. She is still strong with no one to honor that. We are still strong. You don’t need success, or health, or friends or happiness for International Women’s Day. I feel the point of it was lost, and women feeling weak, like myself, were hurt. Women in domestic violence situations, with mental health issues, with medical issues, not successful, not proud, were left out. That day, is for every god damn woman, biological or not. Don’t lose sight of the fact that there are women we need to lift up, and honor, and helped, because they’re the ones not asking for it, and no one notices. And here I am bitter about what I see on social media.

Social media sucks.

 

Paciencia…

Well, patience is key, when living with Hashimotos and anxiety. I am feeling less depressed. I don’t have the hopeless, loss, basically dark feeling I was feeling the last few months. I’ve been feeling happier and livelier. I am feeling more social again. I was having a bit of social anxiety during this time, but that’s gone. I’m back to being loud and chiming in on conversations again instead of sitting back and listening to everyone talk all while wishing I was home instead.  Hanging out with friends always helps with my anxiety and depression but I just couldn’t hang out with anyone for a while. The social anxiety was real. My TSH levels are back at a range of 3.25 and I’m feeling the energy.  I’m still sluggish because of allergies but it’s not a feeling of needing to nap in the middle of the day. I can get through the day without feeling like I’m going to pass out while working. Overall, I’m feeling ok, and during these “OK” times, I hate reading past posts because I just want to delete them and ignore that it’s happened and hide it from friends and family. I went and blocked anyone I knew in person from my instagram @anxietyismyfrenemy. If I don’t know you in person, and you do not live in my state, I will allow you to follow me, but if I know you, god, my fear is that they will read my posts and judge. I’m always worried about the stigma and the judgments surrounding anxiety. I follow so many great women who have anxiety but I still worry. I still worry about how others will see me or if them knowing will affect their thoughts on me.

I don’t want anxiety to be normalized because I hate it, but I would like for people to be more understanding and aware that it’s here. I also don’t want people to pity me, or accommodate me, because that will never, ever help me. I want to work towards being anxiety free, not accommodating to it. There are a lot of impossible goals, but this is definitely not impossible. I have high hopes that I’ll be able to be independent, again, one day.

Anxiety is still my frenemy

I was feeling happier and less anxious the last time I posted but lately, it’s been quite the opposite. I’ve been feeling more depressed and more anxious and it didn’t help that I let my TSH levels increase to 17! I finally brought it down, but it was overcorrected to a .25 and now it’s at 3.47 and my doctor wants to place me in between 1 and 2.5. So it’s nice to know where he wants me, and it’s nice to know he’s ok with this range as other doctors just wanted me below 4.5. So there’s hope there. But, let me tell you about the first 3 months of this year. First, I caught the flu a few days before New Years Eve and on NYE, I had my first fever and was only out for an hour when I realized that this wasn’t just a cold. Came home, battled with the flu for the rest of the next 2 weeks. Felt better, but that’s when it went downhill. The flu brought back so many symptoms and memories that I just had anxiety attacks from there. Finally, we found my TSH levels were at 17, so the anxiety and EXTREME fatigue made sense. Upping my synthroid to 100mcg was necessary but the anxiety came and it sucked. I couldn’t do simple things like drive myself to work. It was so hard to get to work. I had to call my therapist once on the way home and I had to leave a voicemail to help me calm down. I also changed my work schedule to be able to be out of traffic. My schedule was 8-5pm and I switched to 9-6pm. Traffic is much better and I haven’t had anxiety since the change.

However, the anxiety wasn’t just for driving, it went with me TO WORK. The bitch decided she could sit next to me at work! It was a struggle and work was stressful because we were learning new systems and juggling so many students who wanted to start in January. It was so stressful and so busy, I’m glad it’s over. The system’s kinks are being straightened out and we don’t have the busy-ness that we had before. All of that together along with me getting over the flu and leveling out my thyroid and swinging to hyper for a second was just so overwhelming. It’s no wonder I had so much anxiety. Slowly but surely my body is returning to normal. Still an anxious normal but at least I’m not so tired anymore.

The energy just came back last week. I feel more awake and energized, I even worked out all last week, ran 2 miles a day and did a bit of strength training and core strengthening on Wednesday. I feel better about getting back into exercise but I’m still feeling anxious and depressed. I was extremely depressed this week. I definitely had suicidal thoughts but, thoughts of just not wanting to continue these cycles of feeling better, and then feeling anxious, and then feeling better again. It’s getting tiring.

I spoke with my primary care doctor today about the anxiety and depression, and of course my thyroid levels. Regarding my thyroid, we’re trying 88mcg 6 days and 1 day 100mcg to bring my TSH down below 2.5. Regarding my anxiety, he wants me to try 10mg Lexapro. I haven’t decided if I am going to take it yet, but there’s a good chance I will. After, I went to see my Therapist, and she agrees with medication. I agree as well, I’m just afraid of the nausea, the headaches, possible increase of anxiety at first and the vivid dreams, insomnia or thoughts. I’ve been researching the hashtag Lexapro on instagram and only see positive results so that helps.

I’ve been feeling like I have been putting more pressure on myself because I want to be this normal person that can normally get into her car and normally drive to a location to normally shop, but I need to know it’s ok that I can’t normally do all that. This is my normal, and there’s definitely a way to get out of this normal into another normal. It’s ok to be anxious, and it’s ok to constantly work on what makes you anxious. I stopped working on it, but I want to continue again, now that my thyroid is back to where it should be at. This allows me to remember, I’m healthy, I’m ok, I can do what I want. Slowly.

Thanks for reading and please give me your POSITIVE feedback on medication you’ve used to help you feel better with anxiety. That’s how my therapist put it. She said, you wouldn’t think twice about taking a thyroid replacement, so why think twice about taking something for your anxiety that could help. I agree now and see that this could be a positive thing. Now, I’m not starting it today or tomorrow, but I will come back to discuss it if and when I start.

woa…Blog…woa…Anxiety

I’m back after a long hiatus from writing, I think, but I’ve been reading through my last blog posts, and wow. Just to make sure you all know,  I’m ok, I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in a while and I’m feeling a bit more positive lately. I did like reading through them, while it’s pretty sad, I was able to learn from them and I noticed 2 things. One, I was working on my anxiety, not for myself, but for a boy, and I realize now that my anxiety was uncontrollable and it was all because this boy didn’t know how to communicate his own feelings, so instead of telling me he couldn’t understand my anxiety, he hurt me to cater to his emotional stability, which wasn’t really stable anyway, and I totally know why. His cousin and family in general catered to his every need, he was the baby, and he was made to seem that he deserved perfection. That’s fine. Second, I noticed that I have let others affect the way I feel about myself. When someone said something to me, or about me, it would affect how I felt about myself. I would be so emotional and embarrassed and caused me to constantly worry about how I affected others. I’m realizing, now, that I should have never given a fuck about what others thought about me, and I should have never given a fuck about how I impacted the lives of others, but, only when discussing Anxiety.  This boy and I are friends now, and god, why did I care about what his friends or family thought, or what he thought or what the people around me thought? I should have been focusing on me and MY OWN thoughts. Which is what I try to do now. I saw him recently with his cousin that dislikes me and instead of hiding, I went right up to him and said hello with a hug! She did not affect me at all. And I see this now, that I have had the time to step away from that sadness and those fears. I have been able to gain confidence in what I can do, instead of worrying about what I cannot. I still have anxiety driving. I realize, it’s not about being far from home alone, it’s about driving past my comfort zone, but even with this anxiety, I’m still striving in other areas, I have my own strengths. I’m great at my job, I recently received a raise, and I am making more than I have ever thought I would. I have been photographing more than ever. I had 17 jobs last year total and I have been falling into fashion and retail photography, which is super fun AND I am no longer afraid about telling people about my anxiety with driving and asking for rides or asking them to come over to my place instead. I’ve received questions, but no one has ever let me feel as if I’m inferior because of this. Everyone has their own “strange” anxieties and they are open with them instead of making me feel alone.

Yes. I know I need to continue to work on my driving anxiety, so I am, and I will. I have an appointment set up, finally, to see my therapist, the same therapist I’ve seen in the past, this coming Friday.

Since my last appointment, I’ve fallen into a deep depression, I’ve climbed out of it, and finally I have been venturing out of my comfort zones. I have forced myself to sit through, possibly the worst panic attack I’ve had in years, to get to a store I wanted to go to, in order to pick up my new frames. I panicked so hard, and had to remember to breathe, and took deep breaths, but also reminded myself to hold my breath for a few beats because at times I felt as if I was taking in too much oxygen and it was all while driving down this little street full of cars. Once I was at the store, my heart was beating into my throat and I could not see straight. I called people on the phone while waiting my turn, and I finally called my therapist right then also. I walked out, and thought I would head home but the walk and the fresh air brought my anxiety down. I walked right back in and finally, it was my turn. I received my frames, and I walked out, felt accomplished, felt anxious, and decided that was enough and drove back home, even taking the freeway on the way back. Going home from anywhere, I’ve noticed, I never usually have anxiety. It’s just going TO somewhere.

It’s time, it’s really time for me to start driving where I want again. It’s been 3 years and I’m tired of feeling dependent on ubers. Plus, it’s getting expensive, BUT, the fact that I sat through the panic and continued on my path even after I panicked, was a pretty good breakthrough. However, I caught the flu right after, and being sick has always been an anxiety trigger because of my 2010 ordeal with a high TSH due to Hashimoto’s Disease. When I feel abnormal, I’m triggered. So these last 2 weeks has been hell, even when driving to and from work, which is usually super easy. It’s also been really stressful at work, where sometimes I feel myself shaking because my brain is on overload, and I can’t take breaks to calm myself down, and I’m working on 5 files at a time. My coworker has been taking Xanax at work, and I’m wondering if maybe I should finally try it, but I don’t think I will. I don’t want to be dependent on medication, because I’m sure I will reach for it WHENEVER I have stress, because I am already trying to avoid anxiety, I’m sure I will continue to avoid it with medication. I want to try really hard this year, and I’m giving myself a bit of time to channel my inner Goddess, but if it doesn’t work out, then yes, I will try medication.

With this blog I want to focus on what helps me, and I want to write about things that will help you. My next blog post will be mostly about Hashimoto’s and Hypothyroidism and how people market on our fears, our sicknesses, and try to sell us SHIT that we don’t need. Every bit of information about what we should put in our bodies, and what we should be doing to help feel healthier and happier is free on the internet. Having someone sell you on a “plan” and a “promise” about making you feel better in 12 weeks, is BULL SHIT.  Most Thyroid sufferers that are suffering are low income or do not have the greatest insurance, so of course they’re going to be sold on something like this, but it’s so hard to see them realize that this probably wasn’t the best decision once they go through it. It’s like signing up for those pyramid schemes, which I also absolutely hate because they usually target the low income, latino community. Anyway, I’ll focus on that, next blog, and name the actual “entrepreneur”. Maybe. I don’t want any backlash. We’ll see. Just please, do your research, instead of paying into these schemes and follow the many free blogs regarding thyroid health!

 

Avoiding Her and…

I’ve been avoiding my anxiety and it’s been a while since I last saw my therapist. I decided to just pretend I don’t have anxiety and to stay in my comfort zones but now I’m so depressed. I’ve been having visits from Anxiety’s estranged husband…? Suicidal Thoughts. I think the only thing preventing me from moving forward with anything is the thought of anyone finding my body.

I’m so tired of the battle, I’m so done with feeling foggy headed and fatigued and scared and anxious. I see others accomplishing what I want to, and it makes me angry and mad at myself. I know I control my actions, but I’ve laid down my arms. I’ve laid down my will and I’m just cruising through life….on a rough ass pathway.

I’ve found that I absolutely hate myself. I’ve been realizing how I feel I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t have much of an identity or friends really and the friends I do have, I feel like I lose their trust because I’m not dependable. I make plans and flake, or I don’t make plans at all. I’m losing myself. I’m slowly getting worse and I feel like it’ll never change. I’ll be 30 this year…30. I should be doing more

Anxiety and Date Association…AKA her bday (my d-day)

One year ago today, a terrible, not so good thing happened to me that caused me to start this blog with shaky hands, blurry eyes, and a heavy, really freaking heavy, heart. I was broken into a thousand, earth shattering pieces, and I had no idea where or how to pick them up because each one caused a slice too deep, that I decided to just leave them where they are. Leaving me exactly how I was last year…with a few pieces holding together. I’ve never felt this way for someone, and I plan on never letting myself feel this way in the future. At least never depending on someone the way I did. That doesn’t mean, that I don’t love, because I still feel love and hurt, it just means that I won’t let break ups affect me the way the last big one did. It means that I need to zero in and refocus, and find love in a healthy way. It means that I did love you and do still love you…and putting things on hold was absolutely the best thing for me to do, for me. It means that I’m writing, because I’m hurting.

During this year, I have found that I’m so scared of letting another person in. I don’t want this anymore. I found that I constantly think that yes, you can be ok with me for a bit, but me constantly bringing up anxiety, or honestly, anxiety is never invited, she just barges in most of the time, but consistently, can make a person lose those feelings they had for me. I’m not the person I want to be. I’m nowhere near being the person I would love to be. I try to pretend, but I always have that sinking feeling of worry. The “what ifs” the “I feel too good now, when is she going to show herself now” feeling. Changing my thought process has proven to be the most challenging task ever submitted to myself. “Practice mindfulness”, my homework assignment from my therapist. I don’t even know if I’ve ever practiced mindfulness, and what it feels like to be in the here and now. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to be free from anxiety or if I have anxiety about losing anxiety. These thoughts are overwhelming and depressing. I’ve been depressed. This last year is not the most memorable one. I still wish I can return to 2014, but now I worry that it will end like 2015 and 2016. My future years are now forever comparable to the last 3. (True example of what NOT practicing mindfulness is like.)

Oh, and there’s depression. Hey Depression…(anxiety’s cholo), it seems that they both have welcomed a new bitch of a friend named, cancer.

My mom was diagnosed with non-hodgkin’s lymphoma. Luckily, a type of cancer that is treatable and can be beatable with chemo, but the process has been long and overwhelming. I slipped into a deep depression without telling anyone. Prior to my mom’s diagnosis, we were initially warned that it may be pancreatic cancer, which worsened my fears. After her diagnosis, the fear just set in deeper, but with relief. Unfortunately, not enough relief to allow me to sit and feel still. The depression then and now is a bit unbearable. The thought of “I wish I was going through this and not her”, is constant. Would this be considered some form of survivor’s guilt, not necessarily being the survivor? I’m sure there’s a term for it. But I would rather have cancer, than have to see my mom scared about it. Actually, I would rather have cancer than anxiety…GOD, is that the worst thing to think or say? I can’t live my life the way I want because I’m allowing this thing to overtake my thoughts. My health and body have been great, but my thoughts? Full of shit talking and downgrading myself.

I used to write a lot, and I try to write consistently but most of it has been negative. Today, I decided to start fresh with writing. I went to the store and purchased a new journal, and I decided, it’s time to write only positive thoughts. Self affirming thoughts. Even if it’s not how I am feeling. My first task: Write a love letter to yourself. I don’t love myself so it’ll feel like a forced love letter, but I can still try. I also have to take out the word “can’t” from my vocabulary, and this page is full of it. I will get through this, and one day I will learn to love myself, as well as let someone else love me.

And finally, I’m sorry. If you’re reading this…I’m sorry. I’m sure I will regret this for years to come…

 

Anxiety is back from Vacay…

There’s been a billion things I’ve been wanting to write about. I haven’t picked up a pen or paper, or my laptop for writing reasons in a while. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the many ideas, that it feels like I have no idea how to narrow down the topics. Today I decided I should write. I felt like I needed to. The last couple of months have found me in a very deep, dark, emotional place. I’ve been really great at hiding it from everyone but lately it has been hard. I feel it’s only going to get harder, and I think this only means I need to work on getting stronger.

I’ve been feeling like I haven’t progressed with my anxiety. I feel like I’ve been at a stand still with it. These thoughts have brought me down, way down. Some days, it feels like I am forcing myself to get through them. Looking back through this blog is eye opening. I came from not even being able to step outside. I have had set backs, but not that much of a setback. Life is scary. If only I was one to accept the scary and get high from it. I still have a lot to work on, and I’m still reaching for who I was. It’s been hard to continue my exposure  work. Actually, I’ve been avoiding my exposure work because I’ve been terrified of the symptoms of anxiety. I have really been avoiding everything regarding my anxiety work. I’ve been extending my therapy appointments to every other week. I skipped the last session of group therapy. I don’t know if I’m slowly giving up or if I’m trying to pretend I don’t have anxiety. I’ve been staying close to my comfort zones, which is extremely unhealthy for me. I have also been avoiding going out as often as I used to. I am hoping to get back on track. For more reasons than just for myself. It is important that I do this for myself, but I’m realizing other people depend on me and I need to be there for them, anxiety free.

I’m hoping to stay on track with this blog. For me, it’s a reminder that I can’t avoid working on my anxiety and i can’t pretend it’s not there, and also, i don’t need to hide it. I went into a sort of social media coma for all the wrong reasons. But I’m making a come back, because this isn’t something I should hide. Anxiety is a bitch, but she doesn’t need to be isolated. It only makes her intolerable.

Don’t break down…

I was recently rejected.

I’m trying hard not to break down, not to let this affect my progress with my anxiety. I’m trying hard to stay positive and be ok with the idea of being dumped again.

But each time, it feels a bit worse. Each time, I strip down to nothing. Hold my hair back, and stare at myself in the mirror. Each time I wonder, what is it about me, that no one wants to stay and fight, and love me? I examine all my flaws on the outside, and finally my thoughts go internal. It’s me, it’s my anxiety, it’s my dependence on staying in a comfort zone.

He said, “you deserve someone who is truly, madly, deeply in love with you.” But it’s not him. He said, “we have too many differences”, but no one is ever truly the same. He said, “You are a wonderful, amazing woman”, but I wasn’t his ‘Fuck Yes’. (read: markmanson.net/fuck-yes). He said he’s been misleading me for a while, because he didn’t have the feeling he desired. However, he wanted a relationship. He was using my heart to warm his. Even after the things he said, I really wish he said this out of anger about me refusing to say ‘I love you’ or me refusing to say he was my boyfriend. I’m not sure of how he really feels, and I’m not sure if his feelings are just numb from the booze, cigs and weed, but what I am sure of, is I did care about him. He was my ‘fuck yes’, from the very beginning. He is my complete opposite but the trait that made me fall in love was his need to make me laugh. To make everyone laugh. He provided an instability to my stability which provided the spontaneity that grounded me. To him, our differences mattered.

I do deserve someone who is truly, madly, deeply in love with me. I’ve managed so far to choose the broken ones and the ones who easily reject. I choose those that give me a feeling of distrust, as if I am not allowing myself to really be loved, but I am allowing myself to give everything I have to the wrong ones. My goal is to stay nice in all of this, and I will. I don’t know how to be angry about being dumped anymore, and dating at an older age, dating with anxiety, isn’t going to get any easier. I can’t imagine being bitter towards anyone else for what others have done and have lied about in the past.

I stay happy and positive, however, the only emotion that has continued to grow is distrust. I don’t think that will go away. Not until someone can help me realize that not everyone is as weak as my ex was. There’s bitterness there, but I don’t think I can ever hate him. Or anyone.

 

 

 

anxiety invited her cholo, depression

It has been a while since I have posted, and for a while it was because I was O.K. I felt happier, freer. I still had anxiety, but I was not too focused on her. Today, however, I realized how much I really just bottled her up. The bottle dropped, and the cap flew off to the side, and out poured the grief. I cried sitting at my desk at work. I cried as I clocked out, after making up half an hour from my therapy session, which was basically spent crying. I cried walking out to my car. I cried in my car. I drove home and cried some more. I cried as I was getting dressed for my run. I cried during my run. I cried as I was cooling down. I cried when my friend called me to discuss why I was crying and I could not really tell exactly why I was crying…as I was crying.

MAYBE…I cried because I’m tired of feeling tired all of the time. Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis is a confusing disease, not even doctors can get on the same page as it. I cried because I feel stuck with my current doctor, who does not seem to be on top of my health and questions. I cried because my anxiety is still preventing me from feeling independent, which is my ultimate goal. I cried because I’m working on a new relationship and I cannot handle it. I’m scared of the future, I’m scared of being hurt again and I’m scared of how that will affect me. I cried because I have a negative connotation on love, and relationships, happiness, and my fear of it. Once you’re happy, it can easily be taken away again. It happened once, what makes it so it won’t happen again? I cried because I’m pushing away people that I should let in my life. I cried because I feel alone in all of this, even though, I am not. I cried because I feel stuck in life. But mostly, I cried because it just felt right to cry. I was angry with the world, my body, my world. My life.

I’ve been feeling depressed for the past month, but today it raided my thoughts. Crying all night has helped, but I don’t want it to be like this every night. I feel like once my anxiety is under control, then the depression will return to it’s terrible home, where it lives a terrible life.

I have come a long way from where I was in August, but I feel like I am at a stand still. I am able to do everything I want to do, close to home, but when it gets to a distance I am not comfortable with, I stay away. There are certain places I won’t trek to, which has kept me at a comfortable, predictable, routine, and that is not ok. In order to progress you continuously have to expose yourself to the environments that make you uncomfortable. Sit with the symptoms, and when the symptoms subside, only then, are you able to leave. I’m always afraid that the symptoms won’t subside. The worst symptoms I have from anxiety deals with the confusion, the disorientation, and feeling as if I am not breathing. I understand from therapy, that the symptoms all mean something and they are there to help you fight or run from a situation. Understanding that there is no immediate danger is important in helping the symptoms subside, however, the danger in my mind are the symptoms! The best way to combat it is to tolerate the symptoms. Which I can do if I am not alone. I can tolerate anything if I am with someone but when I am alone, that is the problem. There is no one to lean on. That is what makes me dependent. My fear is that I will never truly be independent. My fear is that I won’t get over my fear of exposing myself to myself. To truly be able to be alone, far from home.

My homework from my psychologist is to continue to think about driving far, to imagine it, to complete interoceptive exposure, and to possibly even expose myself to these situations. I make excuses for not doing it. I am still in class, I have piano lessons, and I have to practice and I try to be around friends often. My homework for therapy is harder than anything else I have ever done. I have to do it. I think this is another reason why I cried. This is hard work for me.

The only good thing that has come from crying today is knowing that even though I feel alone, I am not. Everyone has someone that will be there for them. Even anxiety has her friend, but the difference is, they are not loved…they are not welcome. And according to other people, I am loved, I am wanted….I am glad I can be reminded of this.