I’m back after a long hiatus from writing, I think, but I’ve been reading through my last blog posts, and wow. Just to make sure you all know, I’m ok, I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in a while and I’m feeling a bit more positive lately. I did like reading through them, while it’s pretty sad, I was able to learn from them and I noticed 2 things. One, I was working on my anxiety, not for myself, but for a boy, and I realize now that my anxiety was uncontrollable and it was all because this boy didn’t know how to communicate his own feelings, so instead of telling me he couldn’t understand my anxiety, he hurt me to cater to his emotional stability, which wasn’t really stable anyway, and I totally know why. His cousin and family in general catered to his every need, he was the baby, and he was made to seem that he deserved perfection. That’s fine. Second, I noticed that I have let others affect the way I feel about myself. When someone said something to me, or about me, it would affect how I felt about myself. I would be so emotional and embarrassed and caused me to constantly worry about how I affected others. I’m realizing, now, that I should have never given a fuck about what others thought about me, and I should have never given a fuck about how I impacted the lives of others, but, only when discussing Anxiety. This boy and I are friends now, and god, why did I care about what his friends or family thought, or what he thought or what the people around me thought? I should have been focusing on me and MY OWN thoughts. Which is what I try to do now. I saw him recently with his cousin that dislikes me and instead of hiding, I went right up to him and said hello with a hug! She did not affect me at all. And I see this now, that I have had the time to step away from that sadness and those fears. I have been able to gain confidence in what I can do, instead of worrying about what I cannot. I still have anxiety driving. I realize, it’s not about being far from home alone, it’s about driving past my comfort zone, but even with this anxiety, I’m still striving in other areas, I have my own strengths. I’m great at my job, I recently received a raise, and I am making more than I have ever thought I would. I have been photographing more than ever. I had 17 jobs last year total and I have been falling into fashion and retail photography, which is super fun AND I am no longer afraid about telling people about my anxiety with driving and asking for rides or asking them to come over to my place instead. I’ve received questions, but no one has ever let me feel as if I’m inferior because of this. Everyone has their own “strange” anxieties and they are open with them instead of making me feel alone.
Yes. I know I need to continue to work on my driving anxiety, so I am, and I will. I have an appointment set up, finally, to see my therapist, the same therapist I’ve seen in the past, this coming Friday.
Since my last appointment, I’ve fallen into a deep depression, I’ve climbed out of it, and finally I have been venturing out of my comfort zones. I have forced myself to sit through, possibly the worst panic attack I’ve had in years, to get to a store I wanted to go to, in order to pick up my new frames. I panicked so hard, and had to remember to breathe, and took deep breaths, but also reminded myself to hold my breath for a few beats because at times I felt as if I was taking in too much oxygen and it was all while driving down this little street full of cars. Once I was at the store, my heart was beating into my throat and I could not see straight. I called people on the phone while waiting my turn, and I finally called my therapist right then also. I walked out, and thought I would head home but the walk and the fresh air brought my anxiety down. I walked right back in and finally, it was my turn. I received my frames, and I walked out, felt accomplished, felt anxious, and decided that was enough and drove back home, even taking the freeway on the way back. Going home from anywhere, I’ve noticed, I never usually have anxiety. It’s just going TO somewhere.
It’s time, it’s really time for me to start driving where I want again. It’s been 3 years and I’m tired of feeling dependent on ubers. Plus, it’s getting expensive, BUT, the fact that I sat through the panic and continued on my path even after I panicked, was a pretty good breakthrough. However, I caught the flu right after, and being sick has always been an anxiety trigger because of my 2010 ordeal with a high TSH due to Hashimoto’s Disease. When I feel abnormal, I’m triggered. So these last 2 weeks has been hell, even when driving to and from work, which is usually super easy. It’s also been really stressful at work, where sometimes I feel myself shaking because my brain is on overload, and I can’t take breaks to calm myself down, and I’m working on 5 files at a time. My coworker has been taking Xanax at work, and I’m wondering if maybe I should finally try it, but I don’t think I will. I don’t want to be dependent on medication, because I’m sure I will reach for it WHENEVER I have stress, because I am already trying to avoid anxiety, I’m sure I will continue to avoid it with medication. I want to try really hard this year, and I’m giving myself a bit of time to channel my inner Goddess, but if it doesn’t work out, then yes, I will try medication.
With this blog I want to focus on what helps me, and I want to write about things that will help you. My next blog post will be mostly about Hashimoto’s and Hypothyroidism and how people market on our fears, our sicknesses, and try to sell us SHIT that we don’t need. Every bit of information about what we should put in our bodies, and what we should be doing to help feel healthier and happier is free on the internet. Having someone sell you on a “plan” and a “promise” about making you feel better in 12 weeks, is BULL SHIT. Most Thyroid sufferers that are suffering are low income or do not have the greatest insurance, so of course they’re going to be sold on something like this, but it’s so hard to see them realize that this probably wasn’t the best decision once they go through it. It’s like signing up for those pyramid schemes, which I also absolutely hate because they usually target the low income, latino community. Anyway, I’ll focus on that, next blog, and name the actual “entrepreneur”. Maybe. I don’t want any backlash. We’ll see. Just please, do your research, instead of paying into these schemes and follow the many free blogs regarding thyroid health!
anxiety is my frenemy 