Don’t break down…

I was recently rejected.

I’m trying hard not to break down, not to let this affect my progress with my anxiety. I’m trying hard to stay positive and be ok with the idea of being dumped again.

But each time, it feels a bit worse. Each time, I strip down to nothing. Hold my hair back, and stare at myself in the mirror. Each time I wonder, what is it about me, that no one wants to stay and fight, and love me? I examine all my flaws on the outside, and finally my thoughts go internal. It’s me, it’s my anxiety, it’s my dependence on staying in a comfort zone.

He said, “you deserve someone who is truly, madly, deeply in love with you.” But it’s not him. He said, “we have too many differences”, but no one is ever truly the same. He said, “You are a wonderful, amazing woman”, but I wasn’t his ‘Fuck Yes’. (read: markmanson.net/fuck-yes). He said he’s been misleading me for a while, because he didn’t have the feeling he desired. However, he wanted a relationship. He was using my heart to warm his. Even after the things he said, I really wish he said this out of anger about me refusing to say ‘I love you’ or me refusing to say he was my boyfriend. I’m not sure of how he really feels, and I’m not sure if his feelings are just numb from the booze, cigs and weed, but what I am sure of, is I did care about him. He was my ‘fuck yes’, from the very beginning. He is my complete opposite but the trait that made me fall in love was his need to make me laugh. To make everyone laugh. He provided an instability to my stability which provided the spontaneity that grounded me. To him, our differences mattered.

I do deserve someone who is truly, madly, deeply in love with me. I’ve managed so far to choose the broken ones and the ones who easily reject. I choose those that give me a feeling of distrust, as if I am not allowing myself to really be loved, but I am allowing myself to give everything I have to the wrong ones. My goal is to stay nice in all of this, and I will. I don’t know how to be angry about being dumped anymore, and dating at an older age, dating with anxiety, isn’t going to get any easier. I can’t imagine being bitter towards anyone else for what others have done and have lied about in the past.

I stay happy and positive, however, the only emotion that has continued to grow is distrust. I don’t think that will go away. Not until someone can help me realize that not everyone is as weak as my ex was. There’s bitterness there, but I don’t think I can ever hate him. Or anyone.

 

 

 

anxiety invited her cholo, depression

It has been a while since I have posted, and for a while it was because I was O.K. I felt happier, freer. I still had anxiety, but I was not too focused on her. Today, however, I realized how much I really just bottled her up. The bottle dropped, and the cap flew off to the side, and out poured the grief. I cried sitting at my desk at work. I cried as I clocked out, after making up half an hour from my therapy session, which was basically spent crying. I cried walking out to my car. I cried in my car. I drove home and cried some more. I cried as I was getting dressed for my run. I cried during my run. I cried as I was cooling down. I cried when my friend called me to discuss why I was crying and I could not really tell exactly why I was crying…as I was crying.

MAYBE…I cried because I’m tired of feeling tired all of the time. Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis is a confusing disease, not even doctors can get on the same page as it. I cried because I feel stuck with my current doctor, who does not seem to be on top of my health and questions. I cried because my anxiety is still preventing me from feeling independent, which is my ultimate goal. I cried because I’m working on a new relationship and I cannot handle it. I’m scared of the future, I’m scared of being hurt again and I’m scared of how that will affect me. I cried because I have a negative connotation on love, and relationships, happiness, and my fear of it. Once you’re happy, it can easily be taken away again. It happened once, what makes it so it won’t happen again? I cried because I’m pushing away people that I should let in my life. I cried because I feel alone in all of this, even though, I am not. I cried because I feel stuck in life. But mostly, I cried because it just felt right to cry. I was angry with the world, my body, my world. My life.

I’ve been feeling depressed for the past month, but today it raided my thoughts. Crying all night has helped, but I don’t want it to be like this every night. I feel like once my anxiety is under control, then the depression will return to it’s terrible home, where it lives a terrible life.

I have come a long way from where I was in August, but I feel like I am at a stand still. I am able to do everything I want to do, close to home, but when it gets to a distance I am not comfortable with, I stay away. There are certain places I won’t trek to, which has kept me at a comfortable, predictable, routine, and that is not ok. In order to progress you continuously have to expose yourself to the environments that make you uncomfortable. Sit with the symptoms, and when the symptoms subside, only then, are you able to leave. I’m always afraid that the symptoms won’t subside. The worst symptoms I have from anxiety deals with the confusion, the disorientation, and feeling as if I am not breathing. I understand from therapy, that the symptoms all mean something and they are there to help you fight or run from a situation. Understanding that there is no immediate danger is important in helping the symptoms subside, however, the danger in my mind are the symptoms! The best way to combat it is to tolerate the symptoms. Which I can do if I am not alone. I can tolerate anything if I am with someone but when I am alone, that is the problem. There is no one to lean on. That is what makes me dependent. My fear is that I will never truly be independent. My fear is that I won’t get over my fear of exposing myself to myself. To truly be able to be alone, far from home.

My homework from my psychologist is to continue to think about driving far, to imagine it, to complete interoceptive exposure, and to possibly even expose myself to these situations. I make excuses for not doing it. I am still in class, I have piano lessons, and I have to practice and I try to be around friends often. My homework for therapy is harder than anything else I have ever done. I have to do it. I think this is another reason why I cried. This is hard work for me.

The only good thing that has come from crying today is knowing that even though I feel alone, I am not. Everyone has someone that will be there for them. Even anxiety has her friend, but the difference is, they are not loved…they are not welcome. And according to other people, I am loved, I am wanted….I am glad I can be reminded of this.